Some Jokes Some Jokes! Some of these are just terrible.

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected

- a quart of 2% milk

- a carton of eggs.

- a quart of orange juice.

- a head of romaine lettuce.

- a 2 lb. can of coffee.

- and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the casier.

He said, You must be single."

The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her six items on the belt.
Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said, Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?".

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

~~~

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws.."

~~~
Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I cannot seem to keep wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program.

Can you please help me?

Signed:
A Troubled User

-----Reply Separator-----

Dear Troubled User,

This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by it's creator to run everything.

It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings- Alimony/Child support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and deal with the situation.

I suggest installing background application program C:YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of C:YES DEAR because ultimately you may have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high-maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 3.1 and Diamonds 2K. Do not, under any circumstances install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of Luck,
Tech Support

~~~

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his butt while he is on fire.

Further studies are expected...

~~~

Men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women for thousands of years, Finally, this guide helps you understand just how it works.
Always remember, to make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and you lose points. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Hey, it's her game, you might as well learn how to play.

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed................................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows......-1
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....................-2
You leave the toilet seat up....................................-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty..............+5
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.....-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.............-2
You go out to buy her extra -light panty liners with wings......+5
in the rain.....................................................+8
but return with beer............................................-1
and no pads.....................................................-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night.......................+1
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing..............nada
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something............+5
You pummel it with a six iron...................................+10
It's her cat....................................................-40

AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party...........................nada
You stay by her side for a while, then leave
with a drinking buddy...........................................-2
Named Tiffany...................................................-20
Tiffany is a dancer.............................................-50
With breast implants............................................-100

HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday.......................................+1
You buy a card and flowers......................................+2
You take her out to dinner......................................+5
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar............+6
Okay, it is a sports bar........................................-20
And it's all-you-can-eat night..................................-30
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face
is painted the colors of your favorite team.....................-40

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal...................................................nada
The pal is happily married......................................+1
The pal is single...............................................-10
He drives a Ferrari.............................................-20
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED).....................-30

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie.........................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes...............................+5
You take her to a movie you hate................................+8
You take her to a movie you like................................-5
It's called Death Cop III.......................................-10
it features Cyborgs that eat humans.............................-15
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...........-20

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly..............................-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it..+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose
jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts.................................-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".................-1000

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding......................................-10
You reply, "Where?".............................................-35
You reply, "No, honey, I think
it's your butt"................................................Game_Over

~~~

Shopping For A Bathing Suit

I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation known as buying a bathing suit. When I was a child in the 1950s, the bathing suit for a woman with a mature figure was designed for a woman with a mature figure -- boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip. The mature woman has a choice -- she can either front up at the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia - or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks.

The reason for this is that any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror -- my bosom had disappeared! Eventually, I found one bosom cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other.

At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib. The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her bosom spread across her chest like a speed hump.
I realigned my speed hump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment. The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately, it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of playdough wearing undersized cling wrap. As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtains, "Oh There you are!" she said, admiring the bathing suit...I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.

I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serviette ring. I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frill and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane pregnant with triplets and having a rough day. I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fit...a two piece affair with shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge friendly, so I bought it.

When I got home, I read the label which said "Material may become transparent in water." I'm determined to wear it anyway.....I'll just have to learn to do the breaststroke in the sand.

And, summer is sooooo close!!!

~~~

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.
She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!".
"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.
The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!".
She looks at him and says "But, they are sperm samples???".
"DO IT!".
So the nurse sucks it back.
"That one there, drink that one as well.".
So the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard.

~~~

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.

Man, that guy is stupid, I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of these.

That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Flip one off? I think not.

~~~

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.
The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out five dishes of different hors d'oeu! vres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...
"LISTEN UP, ********!
DRINK YOUR ******* BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHER****ING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, AND YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"

And they lived happily ever after.
NOW . . . Isn't that a sweet story?

~~~

Let me tell you what happened when a friend of mine got married.

They went to Hawaii on their honeymoon. As soon as they checked into their hotel, they began passionately kissing. However, his new bride was nervous. So, he went into the bathroom and got undressed. He opened the door a bit and threw his pants to his new bride and said, "Honey, try these on for size." When she replied that she could not wear them because they were too big for her, he told her, "Yeah, remember that...I wear the pants in this family." He then went and got into bed.

Not to be out done, his new bride went into the bathroom and got undressed. She then opened the door a bit and threw her pants to her new husband and stated, "Honey, why don't you try these on for size." He instantly replied, "I can't get into your pants." She then replied, "With your attitude you never will."

~~~

What is a CAT?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

~~~

A woman meets an extremely handsome man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they leave together.

When they get back to his place, he shows her around his apartment. She notices that his bedroom is completely packed with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves on one of the bedroom walls with hundreds and hundreds of teddy bears, carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall.
It's obvious that he's taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them, and she's immediately touched by the amount of thought he's put into organizing the display. There are small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-size bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous teddy bears running the entire length of the top shelf.

While she finds it strange for a young man to have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, she doesn't mention this to him. In fact, she is actually quite impressed by what she perceives as his sensitive side. All the while she's thinking to herself ...maybe this guy could be the one...maybe he could father my children... maybe...

She turns to him. They kiss. They rip off each other's clothes. They make hot and steamy love.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion, as they are lying together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over, strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"

The man replies: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

~~~

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure, if I have to roll my own so does she.

~~~